Soul Searching

I was in grade four when I left my good grandparents’ rustic place in where I stayed since I was 7 (with Manang Je-R.I.P due to hit & run, and Manang N-jing). My family is no longer residing on that compound then but papa is still working on that world-wide distributor agricultural company as a member of its security forces. And,currently, he's still there for almost 34 years this September according to mama...

Obviously, I’m a transferee on that public school in where I first saw Jeshyll… I used to see her with that white towel wrapped in her left hand and it seemed like she’s ready to give punch anytime and anywhere… He he he… I still don’t know her name then. It just so happened that we entered the same school in high school and both avail the Drum and Bugle Corps -DBC scholarship on that University.

She’s so open to everyone while I’m kind of aloof that time… c”.) Somehow it’s the works of art I think that bind our souls together despite some arguments and adjustment at first… =I

She made me play the guitar and even tried to bring me to the world of sports. She’s one of the University’s most outstanding players. She played basketball, softball, etc. while I’m a loser..nakz!! I just can’t do good the way she did, but still she’s proud of telling that I am her best friend =’) as I am very proud of her too.

We’re turning 15 when she encouraged me to join military world.. Her real father (R.I.P.) was a soldier and my father tried to be a soldier once...another thing in common right?! Bwehehehe… It’s not CAT nor ROTC. It’s a Ready Reserve Battalion-RRBn in where we met Kuya Norman-a father and a nurse, Kuya Fata- a former MNLF Intelligence and Ate Cecile- a courageous teacher. They were such good classmates and they protected us for the whole duration of the training. I really had no idea regarding that matter at first… All I knew is that there would be lots of adventures waiting…Aiek!!!

Minors are not allowed and so we signed a waiver that was attested by a judge. REAL CRAZzzz that I answered, “Death is Everywhere.” as the judge asked my father what if I die… ehehehehe while mama kept on telling me at home, “..that will be your death!!!” which was exactly what I wanted…My own death…lol. (FYI, I was a suicide bomber...JOKE!!!) =p it’s just that.. ahh..I just wanna prove something to my self… =)

Friendship became stronger… Amidst all my weaknesses, she still believes in my potentials… We aimed and survived… Graduates declared-1 Reserve Officer, 125 Reservist Enlisted Personnel and 42 Supernumeraries (including me and Jeshyll) of Delta “provisional” Coy, 1112th (DN) RRBn, 111th (Eagle) RID, XI, PA after having satisfactory completed the training requirements and prescribed Program of Instruction for Organizational Training conducted by 1102 (DN) Community Defense Center, 11th Regional Community Defense Group, Army Reserve Command, Philippine Army. Whehey! We just wonder why others got higher ranks when we undergone the same hell? Haha…

I still remember when we had our SURVIVAL. I was the guide of our team (next to the team leader based on Small Unit Tactics-SUT). We crossed a very wide river… Rocks trapped me in the middle of that strong current of muddy water. Bullets came over us and my buddy had no other choice but to save her self… I was left behind… Whatta guide!!! I’m useless… Live bullets made their own fountains next to me… I tried my best to get out of the river and tried to proceed but, it’s so muddy way up hill!!! Nakz! After that almost 6 hours of marching (including running, dropping, laughing, camouflaging, blah blah blah) going to that search area with only candies and water inside our stomach, I felt like I’m..wheow! Wheow! Wheow! Oxygen please…lol.

Pratatatatatat!!! (surrounded me) and I can see our CO ( Capt. Alpetche) then while I was hiding and I bet he’ll gonna see me!!!huhuhuhu and so I made a decision…, “GOD I quit!!!” when somebody laid his hand and yes, I grabbed it! And so he pulled me up into where he hides…It’s Scout Ranger Oztrea… Ohh my cutie savior!!! Toink! Ehehee one of those “pratatatatat” came from him I know……He smiled and said, “Don’t tell anyone ‘bout this…” and I knew it… (sshhh..I'm it now..nakz!) He’s one of our AI’s then.

I still remember when he asked me one time during the formation, “It is okay to your boyfriend that you joined this training?” and I answered, “Sir, yes Sir!” when the fact is that I really have NO boyfriend then..ehee

--> Back to SURVIVAL
I can see my team next to me and I’m so happy!!! Later I heard the platoon leaders’ command, “DROP!!!” followed by “Men, magkanya-kanyang buhay na tayo!!!” Whhhat?! Nakz!!! Gago jud!! Nataranta na pud si fafa!!! Ohh men! It’s the bullets again!!! Mommy!!!

I can feel that sharp grasses buried on my skin but I must hide my presence (camouflage). Impose discipline…discipline… discipline… That’s the deal… li’l mistake or I’ll die… Of course they won’t kill us but it’s no joke! Those are real live M16 A1 rifle’s bullets and I can feel them almost kissing my left ear… Tsong! Tsong! Tsong! That’s how it sounds like when it’s near to your ears but not exactly… No worries..I bite a piece of wood to keep my mouth open then…

Crawl when bullets shut-up. Pause when bullets shout. I felt like burning inside and out! I felt like I’m dying that I called almost all angels and saints! Nakz! I’m all catching my breath! That’s the time that I understand how soldiers feel amidst a real battle… To all soldiers out there! Sir, I SALUTE YOU Sir!!!

--> Back to rankings
Jesh and I traced it up. The one who got the highest rank (Reserve 2nd Lieutenant, Philippine Army) had already completed his profession and his 4yr ROTC- including basic ROTC (Military Science 11-22), Military Science 23 ( ROTC Summer Camp Training-RSCT), Advance ROTC (Military Science 32-42). The rest completed their professions while Jesh and I were just poor high school students! Nakz! PRIVATE kayo ang drama bayot!!! ‘nyways, everything is fair. No special treatment at all.
Did I say hell? Ohh…my mistake.. How would call a discipline that you gained plus the services rendered to your fellow men- helping those victims of flood, assist during blood-letting, community health care extension services, etc… Yah, I felt like I’m a General!!! Wew! Toink! Eheheh… Nothing can replace that experience and it’s a great challenge on our age…

Jesh and I separated lives in college…I stepped Davao City (just an hour travel from Panabo) and grabbed the chance to explore and differentiate Ready Reserve Force from Standby Reserve Force-ROTC.

It’s kinda just the same but very different! Hah! I just can’t explain… All were great!!! I finished my Basic ROTC in where I met Rakel ( a sistah not by blood whom I've shared the AWL, etc...nakz! She's so clever!!!). I also took RSTC in where I was given a chance to see his real color for better or for worst! Naks! I’m referring to a person whom I hated for a year of merging to there ROTC unit (since my original unit was dissolved). Together with my other senior officers, I’m just also a cross-enrollee to their university. He’s the first person who made me do this “Ahahahahaha!” when supposedly I used to laugh just this way “eheeeheeee”. Naks! I never thought..tough and strict disciplarian Senior Officer transformed into a funny, naughty, charismatic RSCT batch (it's not because of me of course for obviously, guys won't have any urge of wanting me.. it's just that maybe he's really like that to all girls that he became batch in his previous training...) Tiny balls of paper on my back that he put inside my shirt every time I got irritated –thing that I won’t forget ‘bout him..and how ‘bout this – HE Says: Judith, did your mama know already? I say: Huh? (means: know ‘bout what?) HE says: ..that your mouth’s bubbling. (I was brushing my teeth then) He’s real crazy! FYI: We’re only 3 representatives from our unit then (a batch by class whom I cared so much, my senior officer and I) for some of our batch already took that training (as a requirement to proceed to a higher class) while the rest had some conflicts with their schedule. This was the tandem- my senior officer was the planner and I’m the critic! Lol. Here’s the real thing – he’s the planner and my protector and had no other choice but to hold and press my shoulders sometimes just to guide me. Haha… I am really that hard-headed... I still remember when he suffered from runny-nose and asked me a favor to buy medicine and juice for him (we’re given permission to go beyond the barrier then) and so I took his steel container and brought it with me outside and sshhh..I let my buddy drink from it..bwehehe..he didn’t knew it ‘til now..wahhahaha.. And, I put so much ice on it and can’t wait!!! I went back inside the training ground and proceed near men’s barracks in where he waited. He took the container saying, “Ice?! You put some ice on it?” oh men! If could only see his face then! Haha… My soul laughed once again as I used to do every time he receives punches on the rank before-when I was still mad at him..it's just that I simply don't like him at first plus the crazy reason that rooted from just a simple family name… He witnessed how damn I am and kept on saying “Oh Judith, Judtih, Judith..you’re such..hmmp…” and quickly wrapped and rubbed my face with his palm! He’s always doing that! I really don’t know where part of the Earth did he got the courage of doing that to me! ‘mind you, I’m a real bitch unto him! Yet, he’s smiling still and sshhh..I love his teeth..eheee… I know he’s just controlling his temper on me..heeeheee… Yah, we saw each other everyday from dawn ‘til late at night but we only talked every admin break since reshuffle on platoon and team members was made to avoid some faction among Community Defense Center – CDC’s… But, we’re all still crazy together-things that I will treasure forever… and sshhh...he seemed like an angel, sleeping while I sat next to him... (We're on the grandstand then, during admin break...He's so tired that time...) And, everytime he got punished, I felt like I wanna hug him and I really don't know why... nakz!!! Things happened for a purpose that somehow helped us in a long run…. After all, I knew where to stand and surely got the deal- When RSCT starts, junior-senior treatment ends. When RSCT ends, junior- senior treatment resumes… Military Courtesy and Discipline (MCD) must always be kept in mind. I just don’t know what’s eating our male RSCT classmates for having this joke.. as my ex-buds told me based on what she heard…

Cdt 1: (expression of gayness) I really like our Corps Commander… He’s so cute!
Cdt 2: (expression of gayness) Oiesst… You’re hopeless…
Cdt 1: And why?!
Cdt 2: Someone owned him…
Cdt 1: Who?
Cdt 2: It’s Judith!
(and so my ex-buds interrupted)
Ex-buds: Hoy… FYI, Judith is just his junior officer…

Real crazy right?! Of course someone owned him I guess..but definitely not me... =0

Supposedly, he took that training ahead of me but some delayed occurred and believe me, I felt a bit nervous at first when they told me that he’ll be my batch in RSCT but suddenly bitch’s spirit came and said, “ Judith… This will be the right time to playback…” Vengeance that turned to sympathy in a later run and it was also then that I found out why most girls fall for him aside from his bearing and leadership -leadership that even tagged him as the RSTC Class-03 2003 Battalion Commander in every special formation (since a regular formation followed routines) among those 137 Cadet Officers from different schools and provinces of the whole Region XI, leadership that I discovered more when he brought me one time to his high school Alma Mater to bring back the copy of that Instructional Package (IP) fact sheets (FYI: We’re given the passes then for one day only, so we went Davao City together with our co-officers on the same CDC to process our IP). I never thought that we could be group mates once again… Thanks to IP! Lol. (On his Alma Mater) I can testify how those junior officers rendered love and respect unto him -being an alumnus CAT Corps Commander. Haha… He’s a bit busy that time so he asked a favor, “Kindly hold it for a while (His referring to his phone) and just reply what ever you wanted if somebody text…”(His referring to our classmates). Later he asked, “Do you already have my number?” I answered “No…” and so he gave it telling “If you have some problems, just text me…”

--> BACK TO RSCT
RSCT hit the finish line. Regular ROTC days resumed but this time I’m on my Advance ROTC. And of course, deal imposed… We no longer have the kind of conversations that we used to do during RSCT… Each of us got back to the real world as expected… Calm bitch handled things smoothly at first but unexpectedly, real bad stuff made some ride. Serious depression attacked me. I’m losing my purpose… So crazy that I even didn’t take my final exams!!!! Naks! I was defeated by my emotions… I need to cure my heart and badly need a place for my soul… I also left ROTC which became my life and second family for almost 3 years in college.

I stepped out of my boarding house and went back Panabo. Mama suffered stroke on her retina... Papa who seemed so tough became emotionally weak. Eldest sister who aimed to save the family from poverty had no choice and was on her way of living
the country for a source of living. A brother was still in misery. Third sibling got back home with a broken promise to the family and one day we had a silent fight… I really really don’t know where to run… It’s only my naughty, cutie, hyper, very li’l sister who hugged me even without knowing what’s behind the tears that she dried up while newly met younger cousins who were sent to us for custody by their drunken master father were just speechless (I’m waxing the flour then)… Nakz! Drama effect keu!!! Haha…

I need to escape and so I took an offered job without thinking. I was assigned and sent back to Davao City . I still planned to go back school and so I told them ahead of time. Everything’s clear but suddenly came the broken deal. Another batch of stress, pressures, and discriminations were all I got. It’s only my diary who’s with me then…I tried to ease all those things ‘til I got tired. Since then, I stepped in and out of school, tried to neither get some good stuff sometimes nor just go with flow… I just finished a course with a half-baked soul when my poor family supported me by all means…

I lost ROTC but a good friendship grew between me and Loreen… We’re of the same age. She’s also a Mass Communication student whom I shared with lots of emotions and simply naughty girly stuff (esp. meeting new friends online together, hiking for kilometers, talking ‘bout guys while watching the sunset in the seashore, respecting still each other’s secrecy...) We call each other Sai…
…………
Jesh got her degree almost 2 years ahead of me and continue to her world with Crixia. Sai is still trudging her way to success after all those tears... Rakel is now in Kuwait, practising her profision..while I lost my determination and just end up nothing… I’m still living with my parents, setting in front of this computer but still we don’t have the internet connection… I’ll be in a net café later to surf something for my projects so maybe I can also post this if I still have time..whehehe… The whole family will be using this PC… Yah, I’m still a parasite...

Things changed a lot… I am now a 101% bitch while Jeshyll and Sai remained angels for me even without hearing and seeing each other lately… And I think Rakel is partly..nakz! She's an Angel too... =)

FYI: Jesh, Sai, I and Rakel too (eventhough she has her duty on a hospital then) were all Godmothers to my nephew… Jesh got her special someone. Sai got her special someone too-her partzy who’s my co-officer in ROTC before. Rakel is still loveless but is full of admirers. And, I got my family and friends, and took the opportunity that was given to me by my eldest sister (in 1 condition: NO boyfriend for the whole duration of my studies…lol.) -to be just like her someday. Amen.


Additional Info: Last year, while I had my OJT in Avantgarde Productions (Sir Jap's office), my senior officer and I saw each for the 2nd time since I left the unit! Bwehehehe… It just so happened that his mother’s office and that media outlet were both located in just 1 street in Davao City . Nakz!!! He is more of a manhood feature now… Still, he’s tall, fair and handsome (and happy with his love life I guess)…;-p He’s my diary - the diary in where I wrote all frustrations, anxieties, trauma, etc., (except secrets) that I encountered each day... He knew how much I’ve hated and loved while somebody owned him… He knew much I’m afraid of a commitment… He knew how I forgot and loved again (but unfortunately in the world of fantasy) that he told me once, “Why would you trust a person who’s million miles a way from you?”, surely he got the point but I kept loving still and got hurt again… Naks! ’til I realized lately… What if what he mean by “If you have some problems, just text me…” is the possible problems regarding that Instructional Package-IP… Nakz! Real crazy!!! I’m so… Oh my… =s and maybe that’s why I seldom received a response from him… Gush… I really just can’t afford to see him again… (but will always be wishing for his goodness of course)

What can I do…? It’s all done. I’m so damn! eehhh…….
‘nyways, he’s a year and a half older that me… Old enough to understand…

"Don't you find it magical, that in a world filled with people, God found ways for us to be friends? And, I'm so glad, for when He wrote my life, He included you..."

-a message from him that I also wanna share unto you, a message that I’ve waited since I’ve heard from our co-officers that he resigned as Corps Commander and left the UNIT ( almost 4 years ago) for a reason that I don’t know. What ever is the reason, surely just like me, it’s also a part of his soul searching….

PEACE be with us all!!! Have a nice day! =)


Vocabulary:

Kuya: older brother

Ate: manang / older sister

1106 CDC that’s located in Davao City in where we belong composed around 24 Cadet Officers from 7 Universities I think…

Then I found out..even uniform turns blue and soon will fade to white...